What joy is there if one should choose to live solely for himself/herself? Will there be an actual sense of gratification once it's all said and done? Opting to reside within a private secluded bubble is robbing oneself of a far greater form of contentment in life.

Been lookin to beer to calm some nerves lately. Think I'm in trouble. Don't judge.

Adopting an ovo-lacto vegetarian diet from this point on. Abstinence from all meats except for dairy products and eggs. Next step forward would be to eliminate the eggs and just be a lacto-vegetarian. Ultimate goal is to turn completely vegan, the highest level of vegetarianism and resistance on the vegetarian ladder. Where every slightest hint of any animal by-product is abstained from. Not now though. Now I need milk and eggs to grow.

If the world turns out to be in a less crappy place when I leave as opposed to when I first got here, I can die happy. Of course, preferably, I was a part of making it better. Then, I can die happy.

“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned.

At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…

And seldom do they understand me.
I am one of those searchers.

There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.

We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.

We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.

We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.

This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”

Took this passage from Falling Whistles founder, Sean Carasso's Facebook page. It absolutely hit home with me and I just had to repost. A beautiful summation of what I feel exactly. Why I have always lived feeling plagued by a deep void of sorts. Love this passage.

4 in the afternoon...

It's 4 pm. Wednesday afternoon. Right now. Doing research for the campaign. Pretty peaceful and serene.

A few minutes ago, a children's song started playing somewhere. Figured it was from a neighbor's and coz a window next to me is unshut. Listened...and halted. Listened while gazing at the picture of the harmless little instrument on the screen. Coincidence, perhaps. I don't know. Another song played...with the repetitive line of "Hallelujah...Hallelujah"...eyes went bleary. It stung...a lot.

"The Child is the Father of the Man", Wordsworth once penned. Childhood is divine. Of irreplaceable worth and value. An age of vulnerability. Innocence. Without blot or blemish. Fragile little creatures they are. Helpless, dependent...harmless. But nevertheless, godly beings. Godlier than man. Godliest of all walks of life.

Alas! a Child has no voice. No voice to guard, defend or to advocate oneself. No voice to stand up in the face of adversity and violence. No voice to express one's own wants and intents. No voice to oppose persisting senseless atrocities. No voice to call right from wrong. No voice to protest being forced in a plight where the motto is 'to kill or be killed'...in a war that is not their own. No voice to object being sent to the front lines of a havoc of bloodbath anticipating oncoming infamously ruthless battle forces, while being utterly unaware- or perhaps painfully aware- of their inescapable fate of hideous Death.

For some, while holding onto nothing but a harmless whistle.

No Child deserves such injustice. No Child deserves to be exposed to such gore of ineffable brutality. No Child deserves to be treated as a literal human shield for fired ammunition. No Child deserves to be regarded as any less than a proper human being, or as though they were but mere convenient physical forms reserved for bullets and abuse.

People need to hear this story. And this was just a small part of it. Hear about the dire dilemma that exists in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Hear about the courageous whistleblowers. Be inspired and respond to the call for help. Do something to help make everything okay again. For the children, men, women and the elderly. Believe that, despite the macabre present state of distress, reform and justice are possible. Peace IS possible. And the troubled nation may finally savour a taste of what they rightfully deserve, but have been stripped off since a long while ago - Freedom.

The music has since ceased. And as this line is written, I am left -if anything- feeling more angry, determined and empowered as ever.

A Letter...

Mom,

I feel a delugement of shame and pity for your sake. Yes, I've always known you to be ruthlessly cynical, and would much prefer to see and identify people with their worst. And you would make no apologies whatsoever at all...as evidenced by the vindictive disdain of with which you look upon your sister. You pride yourself on being a good judge of character. No concealed blemish in one's nature shall escape your keen eye, as you believe. Well, believe as you will.

So, how exactly did you muster the heart to utter such a staggeringly insensitive, ludicrous accusation towards one of your own womb? One you call 'child'? Eyed me with merciless contempt as you spoke those very words?

You responded indifferently to my initial disclosure of plans (which I did out of obligation as a child to a mother), to discreetly attempting to make light of my visions through deliberately absurd and inane questions and comments, to being that close from verbally scoffing at my ideas in my face after I explained at lengths in regards to the program and to nearly laughing me to derisive scorn as I was finished. All while I was already fearful of a potential flop. Yet, it was cool by me. Disappointed, and perhaps, slightly unhappy at your skepticism and disinterest, but still alright. It was one of those instances where one had to remind herself that this was nothing new. Not anymore.

However, for you to verbally question my motives behind undertaking such revolutionary work...and to describe my intentions as 'superficial', a 'false front' and is but an 'ulterior guise to attain popularity' - I was most insulted and stunned. Pricked at my emotional core with a most searing sting upon mentally processing what you just verbalized.

Granted, this was not the first 'slap to the face', so to speak, that you have had me at the receiving end of. One would think that I would have been immune to your heartless lashes by now. So did I.

When your words actually sank in, I don't believe I could articulate the rush of emotions and rebuttals of defense that washed over me at that very instance. A sudden, abrupt and impulsive confrontational urge to call on your challenge. Ready and all fired up for a heated debate to defend my own innocence, with all of my power and all of my being. To create a scene, if need be, in the present watchful eyes of the public. But I didn't.

Resisted the fits of rash impulse. Calmed the raging turbulence begging for release. Thought better of it and shut up.

I guess I have grown a little. If it were years ago, any slight accusation thrown my way would have had me in surging wrath and expressive violence. I am sure you know that too, mother. I admit I am not a perfect daughter or person and I have let you and dad down one too many times. I thought the world of myself, acted out as I willed and am a 'non-conformist', as you said.

But mom, what I'm disappointed about is the fact that after 18 years, I figured you would have at least grasped the few core hints of my character. Getting me to commit to something I am not passionate about is close to impossible. Superficiality never appealed to me. And I thought my enthusiasm was out there for you to see. Nope.

Back to the incident now that I've thought it over, I remained silent and did not work up a defensive tirade was because...I did not have to. All I can say is I sincerely feel for the cause of which I am about to embark on and my passion wills me forward. No quittin'.

So yeah that's about it.