A Letter...

Mom,

I feel a delugement of shame and pity for your sake. Yes, I've always known you to be ruthlessly cynical, and would much prefer to see and identify people with their worst. And you would make no apologies whatsoever at all...as evidenced by the vindictive disdain of with which you look upon your sister. You pride yourself on being a good judge of character. No concealed blemish in one's nature shall escape your keen eye, as you believe. Well, believe as you will.

So, how exactly did you muster the heart to utter such a staggeringly insensitive, ludicrous accusation towards one of your own womb? One you call 'child'? Eyed me with merciless contempt as you spoke those very words?

You responded indifferently to my initial disclosure of plans (which I did out of obligation as a child to a mother), to discreetly attempting to make light of my visions through deliberately absurd and inane questions and comments, to being that close from verbally scoffing at my ideas in my face after I explained at lengths in regards to the program and to nearly laughing me to derisive scorn as I was finished. All while I was already fearful of a potential flop. Yet, it was cool by me. Disappointed, and perhaps, slightly unhappy at your skepticism and disinterest, but still alright. It was one of those instances where one had to remind herself that this was nothing new. Not anymore.

However, for you to verbally question my motives behind undertaking such revolutionary work...and to describe my intentions as 'superficial', a 'false front' and is but an 'ulterior guise to attain popularity' - I was most insulted and stunned. Pricked at my emotional core with a most searing sting upon mentally processing what you just verbalized.

Granted, this was not the first 'slap to the face', so to speak, that you have had me at the receiving end of. One would think that I would have been immune to your heartless lashes by now. So did I.

When your words actually sank in, I don't believe I could articulate the rush of emotions and rebuttals of defense that washed over me at that very instance. A sudden, abrupt and impulsive confrontational urge to call on your challenge. Ready and all fired up for a heated debate to defend my own innocence, with all of my power and all of my being. To create a scene, if need be, in the present watchful eyes of the public. But I didn't.

Resisted the fits of rash impulse. Calmed the raging turbulence begging for release. Thought better of it and shut up.

I guess I have grown a little. If it were years ago, any slight accusation thrown my way would have had me in surging wrath and expressive violence. I am sure you know that too, mother. I admit I am not a perfect daughter or person and I have let you and dad down one too many times. I thought the world of myself, acted out as I willed and am a 'non-conformist', as you said.

But mom, what I'm disappointed about is the fact that after 18 years, I figured you would have at least grasped the few core hints of my character. Getting me to commit to something I am not passionate about is close to impossible. Superficiality never appealed to me. And I thought my enthusiasm was out there for you to see. Nope.

Back to the incident now that I've thought it over, I remained silent and did not work up a defensive tirade was because...I did not have to. All I can say is I sincerely feel for the cause of which I am about to embark on and my passion wills me forward. No quittin'.

So yeah that's about it.